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I need like 2k instantly. Things are about to go from worse to beyond worse. I applied to over 1000 loans and got denied.

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ToxicDreams
03:00 Nov 01 2022

You need to understand how credit works.
Each time you apply, it drops ur score just a little.
so, by now, id assume even if you had a 640, im sure its below 600 now.
Noones gunna loan to that.

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I started to journey deep inside of myself. I have to find some sort of peace before this hell flings me off the rooftop. It's not easy to look in the mirror and admit the flaws that hinder me over the years. How do I love and accept myself when I spent so much of my life hating everything about me?

I don't know what I will find. I am fucking tired of always being stuck in survival only mode. There has to be more to life than this. No matter how much I try to move forward, I feel like something is grabbing me by the neck and pulling me back.

In 9 days I'm hoping to finally break free and win this stupid war. I still can't forgive him. I keep thinking if I forgive him my life will return back to me in peace. I can feel his dark thoughts about harming me. That doesn't scare me. Let him do his worst so I can either due or move past this nightmare. I know when I do win this war, I'll never be safe from him ever again.

I did a tarot reading for myself although I stopped believing in that a long time ago. The cards I feel lied to me. They said he regrets what he did to me. Yeah right. That is one thing that man doesn't feel, is regret. In fact I think it excited him to try and break me when everyone else failed to do so.

I can't trust myself to get a gun. I couldn't promise not to kill him with it. It's bad enough I think about breaking into his house and killing him in his sleep. It takes everything in my power to not do that. The old me wouldn't have hesitated. But the new me has too much to lose.

I just want the pain to stop, the nightmare to fade into something more manageable. I want to not be on the rock bottom bleeding out slowly.

I got sick last week. I took too long consuming blood. I know better but I think my self destruction took over. I had to hide the raw food I was consuming from my family. They still haven't realized that I'm not like most people. It's a secret I can't afford for anyone to find out. I didn't consume enough to feel better but at least I'm not sick anymore. I was worried I would go back to hurting people in my dreams.

It feels like the more I try not to be my beast side the worse I feel. I have to at least try to be a better person.
No matter how much the darkness beckons to me.

Hopefully things will get better and I didn't just shoot myself in the heart .

A guy I dated in high school over 20 years ago showed up in my life. We dated for a month and it was never anything serious. We mutually parted ways. Now he claims he only wants my friendship and to hang out with me. I don't think a guy can find a woman after 20 years with only friendship on his mind.

I tried to branch out and talk to people again. I started to want to find someone to be with. But it hasn't been easy. Once someone starts to ask me the basic questions I just end up blocking them. I don't even give them a reason. I hate being alone and single. But at the same time, dating isn't really for me. I don't want to take the time to get to know someone. I think I've lost all faith in humanity.

I want to be a better person. I still want to help people. But at the same time, I am tired. Tired of all the pain and desire leaving a scar. Tired of the void spilling over and covering me like a blanket of darkness and silence. I used to be a stronger person. People have taken care if that. Insecurities haunt me as I close my eyes. Words like gun shots slice a little deeper. There had to be a purpose to all this. I can't just be lost.

I used to believe that no matter what, love would prevail over all the bad. I'm older now, and I still haven't found love. Has love finally left for good? Is it too late for me? I want to believe there is a point of my existence. It can't just be for people to have something to hurt.

I am tired of being alone. Too much alone time is damaging my heart, brain and soul. This is the longest I have been alone. Given the pain of my past you would think being alone would make me happy, but it hasn't.

I hope I am not destined to be alone for the rest of my short life. For once I want to be truly in love with a man who fights the entire world to make sure I'm protected, loved, and happy. It would be cool to be a real mafia wife. Oh honey someone tried to hurt you today, I'll take care of them. I wouldn't care I never saw that troublesome person ever again. I don't think I would care that the places to hide the bodies was stacking up. It would be nice to be cared for, and loved. It would be nice to be desired and wanted.

I know it's silly to dream. Dreams are a luxury I can't afford to get lost in. I have to remain in survival mode. With this latest batch of hurt, I am struggling to function. I have never been so blindsided, so unprepared, so lost. How do I win the game, when it's rigged against me from day 1?

I pretend my heart is intact and that my soul remains with me. But honestly, I am even starting to doubt that. My heart is nothing more than a cold scar. My soul has drowned in all the darkness.

I kept telling myself to be patient. Everything will work itself out eventually. Hollow lies doesn't make things easier.

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ThanaNight
18:14 Oct 19 2022

Being alone is not always as it seems.

Take this time to look for yourself.

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Ive spent a couple of days resting. The funny thing is, I don't feel better and I feel guilty for resting. I just can't get rid of this fucking migraine.

I don't lie in this journal. Mainly because it's my secret, it's my true self buried under my normal mask. I am not writing here for people to show me pity. I am writing down my darkest thoughts to remind me who I am. I have spent many years lost and afraid of my darker side. While everyone else in this world is normal and can deal with things in a civilized way whether it's talking it out or burning away the thoughts, I am nothing like that. My only fear is now letting my dark side take over completely. That side of me is mean and heartless. Survival mode however doesn't grant me the luxury of turning that side of me off completely. No. I am too old to continue to be hurt by anyone. I am old enough now to know people must pay for the shitty things they do. There is no justice in the world because it is filled with crooked heartless people. So I have taken matters into my own hands. Come what may from it. I've come too far and have been far too scarred to let him continue to destroy everything about me. I appreciate people saying I can talk to them. That's nice. But if I told you I was planning on killing someone would you still want to talk to me? The answer is no. Because normal people don't think like that. And I would be turned into the cops. The same cops who has allowed him to continue to hurt me without consequences. The same cops that have been paid off by his family to make sure I suffer. I can no longer be the person I created 6 years ago. A kind loving person with a big heart on my sleeve. She will probably die when this is all over with.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've fallen down the rabbit hole and have lost my way. I tried so hard for 7 years to be a good person and keep the monster side of me hidden. I trusted the wrong person who only wanted me to hurt and pay for whatever I've done. I hit below rock bottom. I tried to commit suicide again. But instead I slept. I want to give up and scream. I want to give back into that darkness I am lost in. But I cant. I have to keep fighting. I can't let him hurt me and take everything away from me anymore. I doubt I will escape this cage still being a good person.

How can I find the dead without a oujia board and no clue what to do? Why did I wake up feeling like this? I haven't wanted to dig up my past in so long. Maybe it's the looming feeling of anger and defeat. I need an army.

I miss B. I miss S. I wish you were alive to help me through this difficult time. I guess now I'm the ghost although no where near as powerful or scary. I wish you could take care of Him for hurting me. But you aren't here. And I can't go down that rabbit hole. I just wish I had someone who would have my back

Still trying to not drown as this cage fills with water. I'm trying to be strong and keep the mask tightly on my face that has a painted smile. The more I struggle, the more I realize I am alone. Being alone is the worst feeling.

Am I alright? No. Definitely not. These last few months have been worse than any nightmare I could ever have. I have landed in the belly of hell. For what reason? I don’t know anymore. I thought I was being punished for being a monster. But at this point, I think I have more than paid my dues. I hate him. I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone in my life. I thought if I were kind to him, he would be kind to me. I had never been so wrong in my entire life. My kindness landed me in a cage that was unbreakable and soundproof. He hurt me more than anyone else in my life has ever come close. He hurt me in ways I didn’t anticipate. I am so tired of being a fool. I had trusted him and loved him greatly. Even though I knew that he didn’t feel the same for me. He was bidding his time to carry out this plan all along. I never meant anything to him. That doesn’t hurt me. I’m used to people not feeling for me like I feel for them. I don’t know why he hurt me. Maybe he got some pleasure for hurting the one woman that had defeated everything thrown her way. I can’t fix this. I can’t heal from this. I can’t forgive him for what he did. I desperately wanted to be a better person. I didn’t want my past to be right about being a monster. I tried to blend into the normality of being human. That was my downfall. I don’t belong; I never did. I need to stop pretending such things are me. I am a monster. Yet, for some reason, I am still clinging to the need to be a better person. I don’t want this darkness to consume me entirely. I want bad things to happen to him. I want to kill him. I want to send his soul back to Hell, where it belongs. Yet, I am trapped and can’t do such things.

My entire life, all I have ever wanted was to be important enough to love unconditionally. That was the fairy tale I made a quest for. I searched all over this planet, hoping and wishing for things to be different. I realized that in the last few months, that is a dream I have to give up on. My survival is all that matters, even though it’s hard to want to keep living on days like today. I have to keep fighting this war because another person is being hurt as well as myself. No matter how helpless I feel, I have to keep fighting. I have to keep going on. I have to keep trying to find ways to destroy this cage of pain he put me in. I have to be strong, although I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t feel like I can win this war. The game was rigged from day one. The house always wins. Money always wins. I never stood a chance. I was such an idiot to think that, for a short time, I mattered. That I was on the winning side. I spend every waking moment trying to figure out a way out of this Hell. Every single day, I am introduced to a new pain. I want this all to end. I want my life back as meager as it once was.

Am I alright? No. but I am trying to be. I am trying to stay afloat as the waters threaten to drown me in this cage. I don’t know how much longer I can keep treading water, but I hope I will make it out of here alive.